In Agony! Volume 8 - (Autumn 2011 issue)

-->VOL.8 - AUTUMN 2011

Check out the original version published in issue 5 of Edify magazine.

It’s the Fresher’s issue! What does that mean? Well a nice bump in readership and a small step closer to world domination for one thing, muahahaha!  *Ahem* as well as lots of other important things. I look forward to reading letters detailing your painful Summer experiences… and consoling you of course!

Those of you new to ‘In Agony!’ may be sad to hear that we’re in volume 8 so you’ve been missing out… Fear not - I‘m happy to announce that you can now view all back issues from The Valley and Edify magazines on my brand new blog (TEZofAllTrades), as well as have your own say about the advice, or dare I say it, post your thank you comments. 

Ad Appreciation - "Why Try Harder?" (Pot Noodle)

My old advertising teachers would tell me off if they knew how little research I do these days, and by research I mean watching TV and checking for any interesting ads during the break. However, I saw the movie Tower Heist last week (it's predictable but still a good watch) and caught a bunch of ads before the trailers. 

One of these ads was for Pot Noodle, maybe it's been around for a while now but I hadn't seen it before and it's such a great one! That being said I had to post my appreciation for the best ad I'd seen in a while and one that had given me a good laugh. It has the perfect amount of production value, humour, risk and take the piss attitude to make it one you'll remember. It's the type of advert I would like to work on in the future. Fingers crossed there will be more to this campaign! I can foresee it being used with their usual Xmas version of the product e.g. busy Xmas dinner? Why Try Harder?... Anyway I don't want to spoil it if you haven't seen it yet. If not check it out below.

I Don't Get It... Vol.1 - Bruv'erly Luv'

Well this isn't what I thought my first "Life etc..." post would be about but the situation left me contemplating that mysterious species we call humanity, so I just had to write about it.

So on my way home this evening I arrive at the bus stop and notice the horrendous traffic opposite. A man in the car directly across the road seems to recognise me and yells, a name, not mine, which I came to realise later. Stupidly I responded, trying to place how I knew the guy or either of his friends in the front seats. 

I ask how we know each other, still a bit dubious, then he says that I helped him out the other day. I assumed he had visited where I work (in the HE sector) for some advice etc and naturally I had expertly solved his problem and sent him on his way. Then he shouts "you're so beautiful"...

My first thought after a burst of uncontrollable laughter is, well durr tell me something I don't know, then I remember that I'm surrounded by people at the bus stop and the situation becomes a little embarrassing. Made even worse when his friends concur and the first guy begins confessing his undying love for me! Or rather for Harry, which he mistook my name for from my ID card (note to self, take off after work). 

When I think my embarrassment has reached its peak, the hilarity continues as they blast the final chorus of Roxette's classic song - "It Must Have Been Love" out the car speakers!!! After hearing the pre-prepared song I finally cotton on to the fact that I don't know these people (slow I know but it had been a long day) and at this point the comments have become lude, to say the least! So yes it's just some randoms having a laugh and it's actually pretty funny, although I would have enjoyed it a lot more as a spectator. Instead I can almost feel the people either side of me pointing and laughing.

The traffic finally seems to be moving further down the road so I smile, give them the middle finger and tell them to jog on. They then get out of the car all angry as if it was me trying to start something! Suddenly I'm not seeing the funny side anymore and I've had about enough; I stick on my patented angry face and slowly (and visibly) reach into my back pack as they make their way towards me. 

One of them takes notice of this and says to the others "Yo what's he reachin' for bruv'?" They stop in their tracks and I call over, "I'll give you a hint, IT'S NOT A TOASTER!" Now my bus mates really helped here as they all started shuffling away from me as well lol oh dear... Anyway the idiots got back in their car and drove off with a symphony of car horns sounding behind them since they had been holding everyone up. It now dawns on me that the bus stop people are still hesitant so I pull my hand from my bag revealing the Nestle Milkybar (yum) I had purchased earlier that day and flashed them a smile.

So what the hell was all that about!?

What makes people do things like that? If it's just a bit of fun why did they get all serious at the end? Were they just out for a fight? Is pretending to be gay (I'm pretty sure they were) really the easiest way to do that? Why me!? For these and many other reasons I have to say, I Don't Get It...  Have the answers? Or just as confused by the whole thing? Have a ridiculous experience of your own to share? Please let me know your thoughts below!

Series Review - Mortal Kombat Legacy (WebTV)

Die hard fans of the franchise will already have seen this web series, for everyone else, now is the time for "MORTAL KOMBAT!" Yes the classic mega drive game has undergone many changes over the last 2 decades. Recently launching a new game: Mortal Kombat, which retells the story as fan favourite and God of thunder, Raiden, kind of travels through time to correct the mistakes of the past after all the characters ended up dead and (for the most part probably) unable to be revived for a future adaptation.

The premise of Mortal Kombat is a fighting tournament held between participants from various realms of existence. The Emperor of Outworld seeks to conquer Earth realm. To break this kind of law Outworld must win 10 consecutive Mortal Kombat tournaments and they've won 9. The best fighters from various realms then compete to defend or conquer Earth realm.

The story change is one part of the reboot. An exclusive, high quality web series was also launched, which is the main focus of this post. The series retells the story as well, starting by introducing us to some of the main characters, each in 1 or 2 of 9 episode shorts with a number of recognisable actors (including Seven of Nine, Jeri Ryan, from Star Trek Voyager playing Sonya Blade! As well as Tahmoh penikett and more). The series is of such a good quality that it could have worked nicely as a standard 40min TV show in my opinion. I'm guessing the stigma of previous bad films and series may have ruined the chances of this...

It consists of 9 episodes and has been revealed to be the '1st season' and more episodes are on the way. From what we've seen it could span around 3 seasons. The cool thing about it is the human factor. Obviously in the games certain characters have magical abilities or belong to demonic clans. To a certain extent this remains true but a lot of details have been changed (in a positive way!) so that the story isn't too esoteric. An example of this (taken from season 1 and a leaked possible season 2 SPOILER) is the idea of demonic beings; Scorpion wielding a traditional kunai weapon on a rope rather than the monsters that shoot out of his hands in the film, Reptile instead being a human with a helth condition, Baraka being a mad doctor who implanted blades in his arms etc. Episode 6 in particular is an awesome example but I don't want to spoil it! All this adds to the overall realness and dark element to what's shaping up to be a very exciting cult series.

They are soon to be released on DVD as a whole but they're only 10 minutes or so long individually on YouTube, so if you have a free moment then check out the first episode right here below. I promise it won't dissapoint and then once you're hooked, the links to all 9 are also below. Enjoy and post your reactions, comments and predictions about the series' future.

TEZ's final rating (1-10):

Mortal Kombat Legacy: season 1 -  ♞♞♞♞♞♞♞♞ (kinda looks like the MK dragon...?)

Might have given it 10/10 if not for the length of the episodes/series, I want more I tell you!

Episode 1 - Jax, Sonya and Kano (part 1)
Episode 2 - Jax, Sonya and Kano (part 2)
Episode 3 - Jonny Cage
Episode 4 - Kitanna and Mileena (part 1)
Episode 5 - Kitanna and Mileena (part 2)
Episode 6 - Raiden
Episode 7 - Scorpion and Sub Zero (part 1)
Episode 8 - Scorpion and Sub Zero (part 2)
Episode 9 - Cyrax and Sektor
        

The X Factor 2011 (UK) - The Final 16

So today the final 16 for this year's X Factor finals (live shows) were revealed. 4/5 of my Tweeted predictions have made it through (Amelia, Janet, Sami, Misha - check my Twitter feed). For the most part they seemed to have made the right decisions but there are a few shock choices.

Gary and the boys

The big shock here was that with one space left the decision was between Frankie Cocozza (the big personality with an 'OK' voice when singing in a certain way. All seems to be about his self proclaimed player status and showing his arse on TV) and John Wilding (easily the best voice in the category, he'd been at judges houses in 2010 and had vastly improved - a real positive point for the show). 2 of the spaces had previously been taken by "virtual nobody's", but I'll come back to that later*** 

So when it is down to these two and you think about it carefully John really was the obvious choice. That said they should never have been chosen one or the other! If you want Frankie, fine but there's no justification to pick him OVER the better singer. Put them both through and axe one of the others.

Tulisa and the groups

Not too bothered about this category, I'm not sure if any of them have wowed me yet. i was happy to see Two Shoes put through though, they work well despite the fact they strangely look like 50 year old women who have had surgery to look younger. 

The only other that stood out here was Charlie from The Keys, who really should have been running in the boys category. Luckily it turned out Tulisa had the same thought and took him and teamed him up with 3 boys from another reject group to make a so called "super group". 

Louis and the overs 

Well... I had thought it was a pretty safe bet to say we won't be seeing a winner from the overs. That is when at the time, Louis had picked his final 4 as Kitty (terrible singer and possible sociopath), Jonny Robinson (sorry but it's not going to happen), Jonjo (a good singer but doesn't have winning potential) and Goldie (yes I kinda love her but she can't speak English let alone sing).

I can't decide what the biggest travesty here was. That he put through Kitty!? Or that he didn't put through Sami, who could actually be a contender. Luckily for Louis, Goldie packed it in and Sami was offered her rightful place in the finals. 

Kelly and the girls 

Amelia went through obviously. She's probably the best in the show. However, because it's clear she is, people might not support her. Stupid but that's what the public are like. Misha, another favourite went through but she might be a little too over confident. Janet also went through but can she adapt her style to the weekly themed shows...? I'm happy Jade didn't get put through. She was over-praised because of her background. Her voice was OK but it wasn't as good as everyone made it out to be and hearing her trying so hard to sound like the artists of her songs (and failing) was very annoying.



***Now the bit that is really winding me up. Who the hell are Melanie, Holly, Sarah and Sophie??? Where are their Youtube videos??? For that matter who is Carolyn and so many others (including 3/4's of the people who suddenly appeared at Boot Camp!) that aren't shown online? Even the two "nobody's" I mentioned previously have had less visibility than the others for no apparent reason. I only watch the show on Youtube and I'm new to it this year. Surely it's a huge benefit to have your performances on the official channel and website... 

How can they put people through/turn them down over other people who we've never seen sing? One of them, Sophie, has actually made it to the finals and I have no idea what her voice sounds like, it's ridiculous. I won't jump on the bandwaggon by sayin "it's a farce" but it is definitely favouritism or influencing to some degree. Frankie Cocozza, talked about more and a lot more visible online but arguably the worst singer in the final 16 now has over 100,000 followers on Twitter, compared to the others who at most have around 12,000...


The final judges are the public. If everyone isn't represented equally then how can the judges be impartial? Yes it's a business and they have to do things in a certain way to make the show watchable, successful and in the end have a winner who can make it, but doesn't this defeat the point of a show that at its heart, is a talent contest...? The more important question is why people continue to let themselves be manipulated in the first place?

Advertising Work - "Animal Magnetism" (Lynx Instinct)

So this work was based on Lynx's Instinct fragrance. It was new at the time of this idea and I remember thinking they could have taken the advertising in such a more fun direction. I started with the name of the product, Instinct, and went from there. It seemed one of the selling points was that it smelled like "real leathers" or something so there's already a whole animal feel going on. Then of course you have to factor in Lynx's usual branding style e.g. women smelling the fragrance and becoming infatuated with the wearer. Throw all those points together and what do you have? "Animal Magnetism" in a can! Here's what I might have done, I'm sure you'll get the concept. Click to enlarge and let me know your thoughts.

In the billboard poster above we see that Lynx Instinct is so powerful that even females from other species are going nuts for the guy!

In the magazine ad to the left there are women who have let their animal instincts take over and are fighting for the alpha male! (The animal pattern clothing is used to draw more attention to the wild behaviour.) 

Below are a series of postcards that would be given out for free as promotional material. They function as coupons as well as a way to advertise with a measurable effect. The idea here being that questionably attractive, famous men have a secret for attracting hoards of women, but what could it be...? Well it's their "Animal Magnetism" of course, given to them by Lynx Instinct! In case you can't identify the famous characters upside down, from left to right they are The Beatles, Austin Powers and Take That (in their 90's fashion.)

In Agony! Volume 7 - (Summer 2011 issue)

VOL. 7 - SUMMER 2011 

Read the original version published in issue 4 of Edify magazine. 

The coming break will be a good chance to recover from a year of hard work on your course. With the weather the way it is at the moment it will be pretty tempting to check out early and start the summer break right away. Try to hold out a little longer. 

Find out when your last assignment hand-in or exam is and plan a party or night out for that evening. Once you know the date you’ll have something to look forward to and you’ll be able to focus on what needs to be done before then e.g. doing the best you can in your studies! After that the world is yours, for a couple of months at least. Enjoy the summer and see you next year! 


Now remember the ‘In Agony!’ twist! Sometimes the advice is already out there you just need to know where to look. So with your response I will also be giving HOMEWORK. This might include anything from a specific song or film, to a book or TV show episode for you to research, which will hopefully shed some light on your issue.

Newlywed22 wrote:

My husband doesn’t seem to take me seriously even after I decided to go to University. We were talking about kids and I think he expects me to put my career on hold to stay home with them. Did I get married too soon?


A: Have you spoken to him about this? My guess is no. Maybe he has these expectations because you haven’t properly discussed the subject. You both need to communicate. Sit him down and hash it out. Decide exactly what it is you do want and give it to him straight. If he doesn’t take you seriously after
that then let him have it! 

HOMEWORK: (Listen) Aretha Franklin – “Respect”

DarkFairy wrote:
I’ve been self-harming since I was about 16. I really want to stop now but I’m not sure what my first step should be.


A: Sounds like you’re willing to change your behaviour and that’s key. The first thing you may want to try is using avoidance techniques, activities that will stop you from being able to hurt yourself, whether it’s going for a run or getting rid of all sharp objects etc. Here’s a top tip for those times when you really feel out of control, wear a rubber band on your wrist and when you get the urge to self-harm simply snap yourself with it! These are all first steps but the best thing to do is see a trained counsellor who can help get to the root of the problem.


HOMEWORK: (Read) uwl.ac.uk - Counselling Service page

Here you can find information on the University of West London Counselling Service and how to get in contact with them. The service is completely confidential and free to all current University of West London students and staff.

ZEDD wrote:
I can’t dance! Help!

A: Dancing is like art, it’s subjective, but if you want to attempt to look like you know what you’re doing you can try moving the bottom half of your body to the beat and the top half to the bass during the verses. Then mix I tup when the chorus kicks in. Although no one will give you praise for it. It’s a lot more fun to dance like no-one’s watching and you might even get some compliments out of it! Just get lost in the music!


HOMEWORK: (Listen) Taio Cruz feat Kylie Minogue – “Higher”

Trainspotter wrote:
I’m hanging out with a new group of friends. We get along great but they all do drugs of some kind and I think I might be making some of them uncomfortable. The stuff they take seems to be safe, should I just join in?


A: Well peer pressure is just about the weakest excuse for taking drugs. Also you can never tell if something is ‘safe’ or not until it’s too late. If you all get along as well as you think then it shouldn’t matter that you’re not into it. If anything it’s probably handy to have someone with a clear head in the group. However, if you’re determined to do something silly then make sure you’re educated. Call FRANK on 0800 77 66 00.


HOMEWORK: (Listen) The Verve – “The Drugs Don’t Work” 


Flat15 wrote:
Our mate has been totally hooked to his computer since starting uni. We think he’s addicted to Facebook. What can we do?

A: Sounds like it’s time for an intervention! If you need to, drag him out of his room, but hopefully it won’t come to that. All of you need to tell him he’s acting like a loser and that he needs to find the fun. Organise a big night out and don’t take no for an answer. Remind him of everything he’s missing out on.


HOMEWORK: (Watch) Smallville – Season 9
Chloe becomes absorbed in her Watchtower duties since Jimmy’s death. Her friends manage to convince her to step out from behind the computer screen and back into the real world. 


I'll give anything a go so send your problems, embarrassing illnesses, secret shames and all the rest, to tezofalltrades@gmail.com with ‘HELP’ in the subject box and leave an alias for how you want to be addressed.

Advertising work - "Super Stong and Ready for Anything" (Blu-Tack)

As a student I did a Creative Advertising Specialist degree and this is the first time I have posted work from my advertising portfolio, which I started building up during that time. This campaign was a lot of fun and gave me a chance to be quite creative. As you'll see the basic idea is that the copy is primarily about the product, in this case Blu-Tack, but it could also be referring to the very recognisable characters in the image (Spiderman, Superman, Batman), who are using the product in some way.

The first image, which is one of my favourites, was chosen by field leaders to represent the entire Advertising department by way of a full page include in University of West London's (formerly TVU) 2010-11 course prospectus! Anyway I hope you get a giggle out of them. (click to enlarge)

TEZ got a Liebster Blog Love award!

So I received a nice surprise this week. I was given a blog award :) No, there's no trophy for the mantle piece, but it's nice to be recognised so early on in my journey into the blogosphere.

The goal of the Liebster Blog Love award is to spotlight up and coming bloggers who currently have less than 200 followers. The rules of the award are: 
 
1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you. 
2. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.  
3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.  
4. Have faith that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers. 
5. And most of all - have bloggity-blog fun!

Well I haven't been following blogs long enough to amass 5 that I think really stand out but the following links are my top 2 picks, be sure to check them out:

1. Al's Food and Fitness Adventures

It's surprisingly difficult to find blogs that don't offend the eyes so I was happy to come across this one. Al is dedicated to fitness and seeing her story and old photos is really inspirational, especially to someone like me who has really let himself go. She has a really positive style of writing and you'll find some laughs in there too, not to mention some intriguing recipes and reviews.

2. That V Word

Not usually the type of blog I would seek out but on closer inspection it has something I rate as my number one quality - originality! In each post V-Writer includes a word definition for which the connection, if you continue reading, becomes apparent. Not only that but most of her posts also include storyboarded artwork, which help set the scene. This is such a simple but great idea that really adds a twist to her writing. Looking forward to seeing her blog develop more in the future!

In Agony! Volume 6 - (Spring 2011 issue)

VOL.5 - WINTER 2011 

Read the original version published in issue 3 of Edify magazine.

Now remember the ‘In Agony’ twist! Sometimes the advice is already out there you just need to know where to look. So with your response I will also be giving HOMEWORK. This will include a specific song, film, book or TV show episode for you to research, which will hopefully shed some light on your issue.

Peach wrote:

My crazy friend told me the other day that she’s saving up for a nose job. I laughed because I thought it was a joke. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with her nose so naturally I carried on laughing when she said she was serious. Is this something to be worried about?

A: If she starts considering other surgeries afterwards then I might start to worry. Sometimes going through with something like this can have a big change for the patient psychologically even if the overall change in appearance isn’t so big. Have a serious talk with her and find out why she’s doing it. Maybe if she talks it out with someone she might decide against it in the end. Either way try to be supportive, especially afterwards.

HOMEWORK: (Listen) Bruno Mars – “Just the way you are”

Secretsmile wrote:

Two men mugged me last month. Ever since I’ve found it hard to leave the house and when I do I feel terrified of everyone around me to the point that I can hear my panicky breathing. How can I overcome my anxiety?

A: It’s time to fight to get your confidence back. The key word there is fight! Obviously there are times when simply handing over your wallet is the best thing to do, like if there are weapons involved or in your case when you are outnumbered. However, if a situation like your mugging was to come up again, knowing that you would be capable of defending yourself will go along way to make you feel more secure, and that knowledge will do the same for your everyday life. Take some self defence classes or a more modern take on it is these Zumba and body combat aerobics classes.

HOMEWORK: (Watch) – Jennifer Lopez in “Enough”

Shyguy20 wrote:

It’s kind of embarrassing but my girlfriend beats me up.

A: Male or female, no one should have to put up with that in this day and age. If it were me I’d just leave. The alternative is that you stay together and one day you snap and hit back, then you’ll hate yourself. If you’re determined to stay then do it under the condition that she seeks help with her anger issues. If she’s a TVU student too then you can both book an appointment with TVU’s Health & Wellbeing department to see a trained counsellor.

HOMEWORK: (Listen) Lady Gaga– Sounds like you’re “Whoa oh oh oh, caught in a Bad Romance.”

Moodyblue wrote:

I’ve been feeling really negative lately. I think my mates are picking up on it as well, I haven’t been out with everyone in a while and now I’m not getting too many invites. What should I do?

A: Chances are you’re saying ‘no’ a lot these days. It’s so easy to say no when you’re feeling a bit down. Why? Because saying ‘yes’ means committing to something. However, you’ve come to the realisation that you’re missing out and you’re right, so there’s still hope for you! From now on when you’re asked a yes or no question say yes as often as you can. You might find it tiring at first but after you see where the day takes you a couple of times you will start to see what you’ve been missing. These new experiences will hopefully kick you out of your funk.

HOMEWORK: (Watch) – Jim Carrey in “Yes Man”. Just don’t take it quite so far.

SocioPAT wrote:

I’m a student taking sociology. I’ve never been the most talkative person anyway but I think I would speak up more if I wasn’t always so worried I’m going to say something politically incorrect.

A: At its core political correctness is really a form of peer pressure introduced to the mainstream by Smiley Smiley Tony Blair. Try not to take it so seriously. In the unlikely chance you do end up saying something that causes offence you can always apologise. After all the people mostly concerned with it are politicians themselves, who use it as a weapon to attack the other parties, and even they are still buying houses for their ducks with our money...

HOMEWORK: (Watch) “Drawn together”. Probably the most politically incorrect thing ever made. It will either be the funniest or most offensive thing you’ve ever seen. If you do find it offensive then you're probably taking yourself a little too seriously. If you’re not acting like one of the characters you’re probably okay.


I'll give anything a go so send your problems, embarrassing illnesses, secret shames and all the rest, to tezofalltrades@gmail.com with ‘HELP’ in the subject box and leave an alias for how you want to be addressed. 

Marketing Campaign - Blast Radio 2009

In 2009 I received a nomination for a Student Radio Award from the Student Radio Association, for my work as Head of Marketing for the University of West London's student radio station - Blast Radio. Today is the deadline for this year's award entries so I thought the timing would be nice. The nomination was in the Marketing and Branding category. It was a huge project not to mention I had to juggle the final year modules of my degree and a job, so it was full of stress but I loved every moment of it. It was the first real test of my skills, there was so much to be done in such a short time and with so few people, but our planning and hard work was recognised in the end.

The thing I was most proud of was the sheer mass and range of quality material we were able to produce! I think this was one of the things that made us stand out against station's at other University's who run all year round. It was such a great experience both during the campaign and after, with the nomination/awards ceremonies (held at the Indig02!). Below is the entry I complied to send to the SRA. It details our journey, or rather our mission to save people's souls from bad radio. Please take a look and prepare yourself to 

'Escape the Void'...

More Experimental Baking - 'Banana Nut Blondies'

This week I decided to try another shot at baking for the office. However, I wasn't in the mood for white chocolate so no 'Dreamies' this week. Instead I thought I'd give Blondies a go. Seems to be that once you've got the recipe down you can make similar Brownie type things really easily. Naturally I wanted to put a TEZ twist on them so I pondered on what to use as a special ingredient. Well I had slipped and fallen when aiming for my chair that week (lol...) That's when I thought of banana!

So the idea was a take on Banana Nut Muffins except I would add dried banana as a filling with a fresh banana mashed into the mix. Then I bought some Chopped hazelnuts and couldn't resist getting milk chocolate chips to chuck in there too. In the end they were really easy to make. I used a standard Blondie recipe (basically the same as for Dreamies minus the chocolate) and just changed/added ingredients to make the recipe mine.

They didn't turn out bad! They took a bit longer to cook though without chocolate mixed in to the batter. With my recipe they came out with a pretty heavy consistency but after trying one I decided that was a good thing because it filled me up a lot more than a regular brownie etc, which meant I wasn't going back for more right away! So... Fancy whipping up a bunch of your very own?

TEZ original recipe - 'Banana Nut Blondies'

(Please note I didn't want to shell out for cooking measuring equipment so these were guesstimates lol. However, I have included some quick tips in brackets)

Ingredients

200g butter (get a block of 500 and aim under the halfway point)
200g caster sugar (comes in 500g packs so not too diffcult to work it out)
2x teaspoons/1x dessert spoon of Vanilla extract
2x eggs
200g plain flour (again it comes in 500g packs)

1x banana

100g chopped hazelnuts

100g chopped dried banana

200g milk chocolate chips (2x 100g bags of Silverspoon brand were handy)

Directions

Grease the pan with butter. Chop the butter block into smaller bits and microwave in 20 second intervals. Add the sugar and mix thoroughly. Now add the vanilla extract. Allow time for it to cool down from the previous microwaving so that when you now add the eggs one at a time, they don't cook. Mash the banana in. Use a wooden spoon at this point not a fork. The mix is going to start to get pretty thick so you'll need the extra leverage. Add your hazelnuts and dried banana chips. Stir in the flour then finally add the chocolate chips, which definitely shouldn't melt when you stir now thanks to the time to cool, and stir until you have your completed batter. Pour the batter into the greased pan and shove in the oven for up to 45 minutes keeping a careful eye out. Cover the top with foil after it's coloured nicely so it won't burn while the inside is still cooking.

When they're done let tem cool and cut them up ready for when you serve them up to your friends. Finally wait patiently for the "mmm"s and "aaahh"s then you can mention they're healthy cakes since they have fruit in, although I'm pretty sure you'd be lying, but hey don't ask me how this 5 a day business works! Enjoy and let me know how they work out ;)

In Agony! Volume 5 - (Winter 2011 issue)

VOL.5 - WINTER 2011

Check out the original version published in issue 2 of Edify magazine.

This issue my dear readers, I’m asking you to be aware! Be aware of what’s going on around you. Don’t just notice things. Take a second to consider how they might affect you.

There’s a whole mess of crap going on in the world of politics at the moment and it’s going to have an effect on students all over the country (One of my Edify colleagues is sure to mention this so flip through and take note). Maybe politics makes your head hurt but there are other things to make your self aware of. 

Are you aware of all the services your University offers? How about things you can get involved with? You don’t want to get to the end of your University course and regret missing out on something because you weren’t open to its existence. This applies to your personal life too, are you aware of what the people in your life are going through? Make yourself more aware and be more receptive to your surroundings. If you can’t quite grasp the concept, don’t worry you’re not alone as evident from this issues letters... 

Now remember the ‘In Agony!’ twist! Sometimes the advice is already out there you just need to know where to look. So with your response I will also be giving HOMEWORK. This could include anything from a specific song or film, to a book or TV show episode for you to research, which will hopefully shed some light on your issue.

Guilteen wrote:

One of my flat mates was hospitalised for a drug overdose recently. I thought we were all really close I had no idea she was even using or why and she’s coming home soon. Our other flat mate is just angry but I think I should have seen the signs. I feel like the worst friend ever!

A: Snap out of it! It’s not your fault so don’t bother going to that headspace. You can’t know everything about a person no matter how close you are. At the end of the day people make their own choices. All you can do is be there for your friend during her recovery if she chooses to accept your support. If she does then maybe you can find out what lead to all this and help in some other way. If not then have a serious think about your living situation. This affects all of you.

HOMEWORK: (Watch) Desperate Housewives – season 1 episode 1. You never really know what’s going on behind closed doors…

CreditCrunched wrote:

My student loan payment isn’t coming until January for some reason. What sort of funding can I get to help me until then?

A: If your course started in September and the loan isn’t coming until half way through the year it sounds like you have been marked as a February starter. This is either because you have selected the wrong course when applying to Student Finance England (which is hard to tell when applying) or because of an SFE “mistake”. IMO this happens to way too many students to be a coincidence. I recon it’s a scam in league with a phone company to force you to call SFE for advice and waste credit, like they do for TV/radio competition lines. If you need to call SFE and believe my conspiracy theory/don’t want to waste credit then use the One Stop Shop’s free phone to call them.

HOMEWORK: (Read) University of West London website – click on the Students section. From those pages you can get information about all sorts of things that the uni can assist with including funding options. If you can’t find the answer there then go to the One Stop Shop, Ealing site and they will be able to help.

PlayerPlayer wrote:

My gf’s mum and I hooked up a while back. Since then she has been coming on to me a lot. She’s a total MILF and I’m afraid something will happen between us again.

A: Lol. Okay take a step back for a minute and think about this from a different perspective. This woman is sleeping with her daughter’s boyfriend. She clearly has issues and they are likely to make themselves apparent as time goes on. You wouldn’t have let anything happen with the mum if you were really into the daughter so making a clean break from both of them is probably the best idea. Might be a good idea to give your girlfriend the heads up about her crazy mum though…

HOMEWORK: (Listen) Fountains of Wayne – “Stacey’s Mom”.

Alehandro wrote:

One of my Paragon flat mates has been stealing my food and I think I know which one. How should I confront them?

A: Make sure you have proof first. That can be difficult but you don’t want to make false accusations and risk losing a friend or worse, making an enemy. Report it to your residence officer and they will probably organise a flat meeting with you all where consequences will be reiterated. If you catch someone in the act after that then they will be in big trouble. Lock whatever you can in your kitchen cupboard. Just don’t jump to conclusions.

HOMEWORK: (Watch) Daredevil. If Elektra hadn’t stabbed Daredevil he might have been able to save her from Bullseye.

I'll give anything a go so send your problems, embarrassing illnesses, secret shames and all the rest, to tezofalltrades@gmail.com with ‘HELP’ in the subject box and leave an alias for how you want to be addressed.